for the first time in two weeks i feel halfway at peace. halfway happy. my grandaddy is home. he's still doing terrible, but at least he's at home. i didn't go tell him goodnight like i told him i would. me and harvey got into it really bad last night and he brought it to my attention that i must be the most horrible granddaughter ever. and i feel like he's right. but i can't talk about that...

i'm just at peace for some reason. i can't explain it, i mean i had a hectic day, it was crazy. but i'm just calm and thinking. i'm happy. i'm thinking about some of the things me and harvey said tonight. i love the feeling i get after we have one of our talks. he told me the best feeling in the world for him was to see me smile. i told him he's my reason. i was listening to him tell me why he loved me and i looked up at him, and he goes "listen with your heart baby- i love you. i mean that with everything i have in me, every part of me is comepletely in love with every part of you." and i mean, who couldn't be happy after something like that. i got tears in my eyes...and he wiped them away like it was nothing. and then we kissed one of those movie kisses where you know you are the only thing in the world that matters to him, and that you are absolutely in love with him...it was beautiful. i don't care if you think that's corny. if you don't like it, don't read my xanga. because i talk about him like that a lot...because i think we're some kind of fairytale. it's one of those ever after things...i know it. he told me so.

 yet another horrible night. i don't think i'll have a good night for a while. i just want to freaking go away. i want to just beat somebody ass. i want my grandaddy to quit hurting. i don't know what i want. i wish harvey would be a little more understanding. i keep trying to tell myself grandaddy will get better. but he's getting worse. and i dont know what i did to piss god off so bad. but i'm sorry for whatever it was. maybe he's not pissed. maybe i'm pissed. i'm okay when i'm with people, at school or with harvey or whatever, but i can't be alone. because then i get upset. and i start crying and being mad and asking questions of god and he won't answer. i'm sorry i have to say things like that. i wish he'd give me a sign or something. i wish somebody would just let me be mad and upset and cry on them. because no one has yet. everyone is still coming to me with their problems. but no one will let me go to them with mine. i mean literally GO to them. i want to cry. i want to let it all out and i want him to quit suffering. my sister is coming home saturday to see him. great. another dramatic weekend. maybe he's holding on to see her. i wish god would just stop the pain. if you're gonna take him, god, take him. please. because i can't see him like this. i can't take not knowing. i watched him sleep the other night and he could hardly breathe and i thought about all those times...all those football games. god he's the biggest clemson fan i've ever seen. tommy bowden should come personally shake my grandaddy's hand for being such a fan. i mean he's been going to games for over 50 years. and i know that because he told me so. he told me when he met grandma he loves her legs. she had long nice legs and he liked it. and she used to smoke. i never knew that. but he told me. i remember him and grandma came and picked me up from somewhere one time when i was camping with uncle wendy because i got a neck cramp so bad i couldnt breathe in peace. and they bought me a milkshake. i remember these big ugly glasses that were thick and black that he used to wear. they were so ugly but he was so cute. and he has this clemson tie. and orange one. and he wears it on sunday to church when clemson wins. he's so little. he used to be fat. not really fat but plump. now he's so tiny. and he has practically no hair. he's going so bald you can hardly see the little gray and silver wisps of hair on his teeny little head. he has the bigegst ears. but the cutest laugh. he has the cutest little cackle and his smile lights up the world. no kidding when he smiles it makes my heart absolutely glow. and....

i can't talk about this anymore. i am going to the hospital to see my little grandaddy. if you'd like to call me and tell me you're sorry or just pray for my grandaddy to quit hurting or anything at all- my cell is 2369238. so feel free to just let me know that you've got him on your heart. because it's breaking mine...

 why is life so unfair? i mean seriously. there's a song called "i hate everything" that goes "i hate my job and i hate my life. and if it weren't for my two kids, i'd hate my ex wife. i hate summer, winter, fall, and spring. i hate everything." and i seriously hate the world right now. harvey is my saving grace. and i wish somebody would ask me how the fuck i feel once in a while. you know? i'm always taking care of everyone and i'm just tired of being tired. my birthday is saturday and harvey has big plans for me. but you know what? i can't even smile. i don't even have the energy  to lift the corners of my mouth to smile. because i take careof everyone before i take care of taylor. and i'm really tired of it. my grandaddy is in the hospital practically dying and everybody wants to come at me with their problems. well they can go to hell.

and something is wrong with my bruna and it's breaking my heart. she's my best friend. and she's leaving. for good. i mean is that fair? no. it isn't. because it's my life and nothing is fair. except harvey. i reallly wish she would talk to me. i want to make her happy.

i hate when people try to tell you what to do with your life. just for the record, harvey is the best thing that ever happened to me, and no matter what ANYONE says, we're gonna be together. always. so if you have a problem with that sit on your middle finger and rotate. because i don't give a flying fuck.

i wish somebody would call me just to say "my life sucks too. i hope yours gets better." that would probly make my week. maybe somebody could just listen. somebody besides ol harv because he can't deal with watching me cry. it kills him and all he can say is "baby please don't cry. everything will be alright. i love you" which when i think about it is really all i want to hear. but i also want to talk. i want to tell somebody about all the clemson games i went to with my grandaddy. and all the times we went fishin. and all his stupid jokes that i have memorized because he tells them 40 times a day. and how much i want him to see me walk at graduation, and how bad it hurts that he prolly won't make it. how i don't want to tell him bye. i'm not ready. seems like i blink, and some one else is gone. seems like last christmas my grandma ruby died. but it wasn't. it was 5 years ago. seems like i went to sleep and woke up and my grandma neelie died. but it was 3 years ago. seems like yesterday claire called me with news about Dale. but that was a year ago. and life's too short. i've come to that conclusion. life is way too short and way too unfair and i just can't handle any more. so if you were thinking about coming to me for advice, reconsider. because i can't handle your shit and mine.

i really love harvey. he is amazing. i can't believe the way he holds me when i start crying. whch has been a lot lately. his arms make everything easier to deal with. i only want to be with him. all the time. and he helps me not to think about when i don't have my grandaddy anymore. if anyone knows my grandaddy you know how much it's going to hurt to watch him go. but he's in so much pain. i don't want him to hurt. but i don't want to say goodbye to him either. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling torn. it kills me.

i'm going to bed. here's a song to think about.

If you don't get in the water, you'll never gonna learn to swim.
He said a snake is just as scared of you as you are of him.
He could tell by the moon when the fish would bite,
Seems there was nothing that he didn't know.
As a kid I believed, cause grandpa told me so...

He said life was made for you to live.
The best love is the love that you give.
There'll be times when you wanna hold on but you gotta let go.
And I lived by those words, cause Grandpa told me so.

I promised him I wouldn't cry when it was his time to leave.
That's the only promise I made him I couldn't keep.
He smiled from his bed and said we'll meet again,
Somewhere down the road,
And I believe, cause Grandpa told me so.

it's been awhile...so here's the summary of my life since Sept. 6:

me and harvey are doing great. he's so amazing. we're getting a lot closer and he told me the other night that i am his best friend. that really made my heart smile. and it makes me think this one REALLY is forever. he proposed to me with a ring pop on our 4 months. so i've got the promise of forever on a candy ring in our "special" box. that's love, folks.

sumter is just one big pile of ass. i swear to god this town is the biggest shithole in the entire universe and i'm real tired of livin in it. i'm tired of seein people i love more than anything fight. i'm tired of stupid ass drama loving snobs trying to get in my business. i'm tired of airhead sluts. i'm tired of everyone knowing everything about everybody. i'm just tired of this town. it's full of bullshit and lies, and when i graduate, me and big harv are gettin engaged and movin to timbucktoo!

bruna has become my best friend. she's the most important person in my whole life...and it feels good to have somebody to count on for once. somebody who's got your back. and you've got theirs. and no matter if you're goin to eat at ryan's cuz you had a mad craving for it, or you're sittin there crying together, or if you're talking about kinky sex...you're having the time of your life. that's one of the things in life i really appreciate.

my dad is officially the biggest asshole int he universe. he's done it for good this time. he told me i could "take my ass out the same door i came in and don't worry about coming back" and i told him if he'd like to talk to me before my wedding day, he's have to get his ass off his soulders and be a father. it's not gonna happen. joe's really stepping into his shoes. and for the first time i'm actually appreciating it. instead of being a little bitch and telling him "he is not my dad"...i look at him and say "you're more of a dad to me than david shipman ever was" and it's the truth. it really hurts that my dad doesn't care, it really does, but i'm a soldier, and it's not gonna kill me. i've got the heart of lion is what my uncle bob says. and he's a big father figure to me, too. so i trust that i have enough family to make up for a cokehead bitch like my real dad. he dropped the CDV charges against mom and joe yesterday because "of the effect it had on his minor child (me)" what the fuck. that about sums it up right there. he's a selfish bitch. and i have no use for him. i have a perfectly good father right here in my house. who actually gives a shit about me.

my sister has been causing tension in this house lately. but that's over now thank god. just a difficult situation my family wasn't ready for. and she got what i knew she would, kinda what she deserved. and she can't figure out why...shoulda listened to big sis.

school is hard as shit. i had to drop mrs dumbass sheffer's class because she is the spawn of satan. no kidding. stupid bitch. cosmetology is rockin my socks off. things are finally picking up and we're getting into hair design and shit. so that's good. i love mr. smith. word of advice: if ou haven't had chemistry, make sure u get mr smith when you do. because he's the man.

well that's about it for now kids. we'll see if i write for another month.

well it's been a while, sorry. but there's not much time anymore. but life's good. quick update:

i love harvey. we all knew that. it's goin on 4 months on the 14th. and he's my prince charming. and he's amazing and i love him.

claire and bruna are the two greatest individuals on the face of the planet. i'm in love.

my dad's a peice of shit. flamer. joe is playing "daddy" and mom is still psycho and bitches about everything.

school is good, not too hard. started cosmetology. that kicks ASSSSSS.

alright. that's all i got time for.